he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
