He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
