call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
