Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
