he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
