If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
