ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
