A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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