i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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