Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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