He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
