She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
