Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
