Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
