She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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