I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
