shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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