I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
