Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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