I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
