He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
