I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
