In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
