You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
