She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
