I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just pee around me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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