was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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