they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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