Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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