Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
