From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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