mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
