Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
