The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
