We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
