I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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