Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
