I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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