i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
