I'm gonna have a badass scar
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
