I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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