I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
