they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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