Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
