I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
