I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
