Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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