ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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