peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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