I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
